A THANK YOU ODE TO THE NHS!
The Emergency ward they said was busy,
I didn’t care much, I was far too wissy,
At two am. A bed was ready,
Discharge patients at night? It must be a deady.
I woke to the sounds of joyous young lovers,
I was in the old ladies ward – my head disappeared under the covers,
Then soon to the male ward, my bed was quickly taken,
My confidence by then had been truly shaken.
Right opposite me was a great fierce looking gorilla,
With two large policemen all chained to a pillar,
Was it fraud, robbery or murder? Or was the man insane?
It must be murder I thought, so under the covers I disappeared again.
Next morning the gorilla was gone instead came the high priest, hospital surgeon,
Whilst gathered around were doctors and students, all waiting his sermon.
‘His heart beats are slow; he will need a pacemaker,
So who wants the job? Do we have a young taker?’
‘You should learn the procedure young Robert,’ he said with a sigh,
‘I hope he knows what he’s doing’ I whispered.
‘Heard that’ grinned Robert. ‘I’ll give it a try.’
That night two young nurses, both giggling with glee,
Pulled back the covers embarrassing me.
‘You know what this is? It’s a catheter dear,
It really won’t hurt,’ she said with a leer,
With two pretty young nurses I couldn’t show fear,
I agreed it’s a small thing, and shed a large tear.
In the operating theatre my laughing soon died,
I was still wide awake. ‘No anaesthetic I cried?’
‘Stay awake Richard and watch yourself on the screen; (lucky me.)
I’ll show you something that you’ve never seen.’
With pride Robert showed the pacemaker ‘There see,’
‘An alarm clock – oh no – not placed inside me,
In the morning perhaps I might hear a loud ring,’
But I didn’t dare say I don’t want that dam thing.
‘Are you sure there is room for that big thing in my chest?’
He growled. ‘We will have to make room and just do our best.’
Waving his scalpel he grinned. ‘Let me know if this hurts,’
By then I had gone right off the idea of inserts.
Turned my head and saw the nurse looking so lovely and fresh,
Then leaped in shock as Roberts knife dug deep in my flesh.
‘Is that it?’ I asked Robert, he made a rude sign.
‘We need to insert this’. ‘It’s a blooming close line.’
‘You can watch this go down the vein till it gets to your heart,’
Fascinated I saw the cable circle right down to the start.
‘There it wasn’t so bad,’ behind his mask Robert smiled,
‘Can I go now?’ I timidly asked. ‘Like hell, I’ve just started,
don’t behave like a child.’
‘Now we will implant the pacemaker,’ he cooed,
The angel faced nurse taking my hand, changed my mood.
‘I’m placing the pacemaker in a pocket he explained,
‘You might have warmed it first;’ I complained.
‘Do you want me to take it out and warm it for you?
‘I will manage thanks, I’m sure it will do’.
Next like a new Tele the pacemaker was tuned.
‘It won’t take too long to heal that small wound.’
‘You can go now old fellow, give your pacemaker a try,
That’s the first one I’ve handled,’ he said with a sigh.
‘Thank you kind surgeon and also nurse dear,’
If you come down to the pub, I’ll buy you a beer’.